I look out at the sun. It discourages me. I want to lay in the bed and hide. I don’t deserve to be in the presence of something as bright and as beautiful as the sun. ” A glowing medallion in the sky” Glowing down on all of my flaws. The motivation to put on your best outfit, feel fresh and beautiful. Take a stroll, sit in the park, get some ice cream. Not me. The sun to me is a reminder. A reminder that I am not as pretty as I wish I was. A reminder I do not have the ability to dress nice and feel good as I walk down the street. A reminder that I feel fat and sloppy. The sun is the eye of everyone beaming on every single acne scar on the side of my face. The sun is the whispers from the happy, laughing people outside, whispering about my shoes. I know they’ve seen them many times. And while they continue to look their best and enjoy nice weather, I struggle to feel good in these shoes, I have worn too many times. Those laughing people.. they are laughing at me. The sun shines on a smile that I hate. I don’t have to worry much about that these days. I find less and less reasons to smile everyday. It’s me against the sun.
Overstimulated .
Tried to change me 100 times.
Still wasnt enough.
Damn this hurts.
Depression.
Never enough to be loved.
Never enough to be heard.
Too perfect, I dream.
Too good to touch.
Dreaming too much.
Cant be reality .
Wont be mine. & thats just fine.
Not enough.
Yet I still pray, Day by day.
And I still try, 100 more times.
Maybe Im making it worse, maybe under a curse.
Love isnt in my future.
What are we without it.
Ive made enough mistakes.
Became my life.
How much more pain can I take?
Feelings dont exist.
Im the mistake.
Mistakes.
Misunderstood.
Standards high, but Im low.
I cry.
Anxiety.
I cry quietly
Selfish.
More important things going on
Selfishly torn.
It could be worse, I could be dead.
Died along time ago.
Unsafe thoughts in my head.
But I smile and I laugh.
They dont know the half.
They judge
I stand tall
They judge until I fall.
Who cares
Be strong.
Thought it was a phase but its been too long.
Ungrateful.
For life Im ungrateful
Sorry God.
But its hard.
I tried.
We will meet soon.
Dont cry when its over.
Be happy for me, for once I am free.
She wipes her tears, she moves along.
Damn that girl is strong.
She wants she wants, she never gets
Yet she never throws a fit.
Life hits her hard, but she goes harder.
But then life just gets a little harder.
Move right along, theres nothing to see.
Just ‘ol lifeless little me.
No one can tell and no one knows.
No one cares, the pressure grows.
Will you stay or will you go.
Overstimulated, never felt so low.
chest hurts, closing in.
Breathe slow, count to 10.
Anxiety, i cry quietly
& Then I move along
& try to look Strong.
3.
Everyone has different ways to deal with death. Some people won’t say a word about it and hide and cry later. Some people can’t hold the pain and will cry and break down no matter who they’re in front of. Me? I think I’m one of those people who accept it. Of course I cry. It’s makes me uncomfortable knowing that we all will die one day . It makes me sad knowing someone (whether I know them or not) was just on earth and now gone. It hurts me to see other people hurt. So yeah, i cry… I get over it though. It’s life. I know you’re reading this and saying “she must have never lost anyone close before” but I have. Everything about death is just fucked up.
Funerals are annoying because there are so many people looking at everyone. Everyone wants to know if you’re crying or they’re judging, especially if you were close or related to the person. (They’re going to talk about it after)
That’s exactly what happened at his funeral. The one I don’t speak about. My third lost. I met him just two years before he left. In those two years so much happened. I never met someone before that wasn’t afraid to show me all their flaws. Although it took us a while to get there, we became really close friends. He listened, he spoke, he understood. He was different, he was the most loyal person I’ve met in life! After a while, you couldn’t see one without seeing the other, we were close. Finding out everything he was going through and hearing his feelings about it, I became veryyyyy over protective.
Now to mention again, he was very loyal! But Loyalty got him killed. Everyone talked. Everyone wondered why out of everyone who stood over him and cried and yelled.. I didn’t. Mind your business, what does it matter how sad I was. Knowing I was being judged made me shut down. I didn’t care to post about it, I didn’t care to talk about it . I thought about it, every single day. I use to dream he was sitting on the edge of my bed in the middle of the night. I still wonder till this day if it was really him or just a dream. I started to pray. I prayed it would stop. I didn’t want to dream about him, and eventually I even wanted to stop thinking about him. After I got out the habit of drinking Zzzquil to go to sleep, I had to find anything to keep me busy. People use to randomly write me asking how I’m doing. It made me so mad! Do you really care?
Eventually, I got over it. I actually don’t know if I am over it, I guess I just accepted it. He stopped visiting… or I stopped dreaming about him. Either way, it made me cry. I wonder if he’s mad at me. Mad that I stopped visiting his family. Mad that I promised him I would take care of his little sister and couldn’t even find the strength to go see her anymore. I wonder if he’s mad I blocked everyone who would post him or even stopped visiting him.
Up until a few days ago, I was very angry at him. I was angry because he left. I was angry because that morning we had the smallest disagreement. We always had disagreements, But this one was different . It was different because I never got to say sorry. He never called how he usually did and said “you maaaaad?” Instead I got a call from his sister . “THEY KILLED HIM” . I guess I was really angry at myself all along.. Angry I couldn’t protect him . Does anyone not understand how that feels?
Is it so wrong to WANT to pretend you never met someone just so you don’t have a reason to miss them?
It never works… because I did meet him. That’s why death is so fucked up. It doesn’t matter who you know, how much money you have, or anything… we all die some day. I accept it.
2 of 3.
I am the most understanding person in the world. I understand being unhappy in your relationship and I do understand its not that easy to just up and leave. If you really care about the person you’re in a relationship with, it SHOULDN’T be that easy to just up and leave. When you’re with the same person for a very long time, its a huge possibility you can get tired of them, too comfortable…bored. With all that being said… I still don’t understand why cheat. Do guys really understand the damage cheating does to a female? Do they care?
I feel like I’ve heard “sorry” so much over the past 9 years, I don’t even know what it means anymore. Thats all guys say. Well, that and ” leave it in the past”. Something can happen in the am and by night time its the past again. Why do something if you know you’re going to end up sorry about it. The hard part is deciding if you can forgive or not . The hard part about forgiving is people who take advantage. Forgiving too much just lets someone feel like they can continue doing you wrong.
I give my all to someone who allows me to .. who pushes me to. He would go through my phone any chance he gets and break it the moment he sees something he doesn’t like. Ask me to come over almost everyday . Made me feel so comfortable, I would’ve never thought there was another girl in the picture… or should I say other girls. Thats always how it is though. It just makes you feel like why fall in love? Why even try to trust someone. Its so risky to give your all to someone cause you NEVER know what they’re going to do with it. Being young I try to give the benefit of the doubt. I look at it like this .. Your with someone while they’re a boy, have to give them time to grow into a man. But how long does this shit take? Does that mean you have to stay around while they do whatever immature, unfaithful, disloyal shit and wait till they grow? No. But then again what if he grows with another female and I never get to actually get what I want. The scary part about meeting someone and falling in love so early is thats theres so much time for something to go wrong .
Why cheat? If you love a girl and respect her .. shouldn’t you have enough respect for her to choose to leave? It changed me… As a complete person. I use to be so confident till i was forced to wonder .. why them? I never cared what a soul thought about me till he judged me. Guys will tell you what they don’t like in a female. “Why would you be dressing the way you dress when you go to a club? Why would you dance like that? Have more respect for yourself! Ew stop talking like that. You talk to much.” So we listen (well I did). Its not about if I have a mind of my own.. Its not about being stupid and its not about being controlled. If you love someone shouldn’t some things be okay to change? Maybe Im wrong but whether we change it or not, is that going to keep them from going after naked girls in the club? Is it going to stop them from going after girls who talk so much and when they do it, its “good personality/good vibes)? Guys love girls who stay at home or should I say their girl, JUST SO YOU CAN LEAVE AND GO CHILL WITH ANOTHER FEMALE?! Help me understand .
Its just hard and it doesn’t matter how old you are.. it doesn’t feel good when you plan life with someone and they let someone else enter. I was going through a lot and when i felt like i didn’t have anyone.. only one person was there so of course I couldn’t let it go so easily. After nine years, becoming numb to everything.. I realized Im very much okay with waiting to meet a man that doesn’t need the time to grow. Sometimes I wonder if I was ever strong to begin with ( I was lol )
The second important person I lost in my life. I hope you don’t judge .. and if you do , you never got your heart broken before lol
Tomorrow
Just to start off, I don’t really know why I’m here… Like why I’m writing to no one. I doubt anyone will read this (i guess thats one reason I’m here). I think for the first time in my life, i CANT care what anyone thinks about me, my actions or whats going on in my head. What is there to be afraid about ? Everyone struggles sometimes. Everyone goes through heartbreaks … right ? Not everyone knows EVERYTHING all the time .. right? Most importantly i think EVERYONE has lost someone before .. Have i lost you yet ?
Well, I recently lost three important people in my life. One of them being… Myself. I don’t know where i went wrong or what even happened (even though i can take a wild guess). Sometimes i just feel like I’m moving backwards .. like I’m walking with no destination. Where am i headed? Im 21 and tired of moving from job to job. A lot of the times i see people brag about having a job, sometimes insulting someone who doesn’t. A job is a job and that’s respected but I think having the “temporary jobs” are a distraction from actually moving up and doing better. I don’t really know how to explain what i mean by that but understand that the pay is never good enough to work part time . You have to basically slave and work enough hours to get a decent paycheck and live comfortably but then you have no time to go to school or focus on any hobbies. Hobbies .. something else I realized i don’t have. Not because i don’t have the time but because I don’t even know what I’m good at anymore. Being that i feel like I was in the same place in my life for a very long time I decided to make a change. But now i feel like i just took a step backwards. I think I realized I need to do some real soul searching and figure what it is exactly i want to do.
Honestly, this generation puts the pressure on. They make it seem like you should be rich by this age already. Everyone wants to pretend to be doing better then everyone rather then actually working towards it. Almost found myself in the mix of it.
I guess I should stop here because I could actually go on for days because as I mentioned I’ve been in this spot for a very long time. I don’t mean to vent I just mean to be real. Life is not always easy and a lot of the times I just needed a friend .. something I guess I once had and lost. (Won’t get into that) I realized you have to help yourself because everyone talks a good one but no ones actually there .. No one even wants to listen anymore. Thats where my title comes in, so if you’re reading this .. Thank you.
Thank you. 